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Do you feel like you have a lower libido than your partner? Maybe it takes a lot for you to feel “ready” for sex? Or perhaps you never think about sex, but once you start to get freaky you get more into it, and you orgasm most of the time – if not, every time? On the other hand, maybe you always initiate sex and your partner doesn’t, and you’re starting to feel slightly unwanted? Well, you’re not alone. You’re not wrong or broken if you experience any of these feelings. This isn’t necessarily the effects of having a low libido or sex drive; you just experience sexual desire differently. Not everyone thinks about sex all the time, or is constantly horny, or is ready for sex at the drop of a hat. But if you are like this, that’s completely normal too.
No two people are the same when it comes to sex and intimacy. Of course, some people can be more compatible than others, but that doesn’t mean that you have to choose a partner who is exactly the same as you. How boring would that be? However, it is important to communicate with your partner. How do you like to experience sex? What kind of intimacy feels the best for you? This is especially important since different levels of desire can often lead to tension in relationships. Therefore, it’s even more important to fully understand what kind of sexual desire works for you and your partner, so you can both be horny and happy together!
Sexual desire is complex and is affected by a multitude of factors: hormones, stress levels, or even your sleep quality. In this post, we aim to tell you about different kinds of sexual desire and how this can affect your sex life. As well as how best to work with your sexual desire to get the most pleasure out of sexual intimacy.
There are primarily 3 different kinds of sexual desire:
- Spontaneous Desire
- Contextual Desire
- Responsive Desire
Each of these desire types respond differently to sexual advances and intimacy. In addition, they have different requirements when it comes to getting down and dirty. It’s vital that you communicate with your partner to see when and where their sexual desire kicks in.
Spontaneous Desire
As the name suggests, spontaneous desire occurs before sex is offered or initiated and can come with or without stimulation. Mainstream media presents this kind of desire as the norm: both parties seemingly immediately and suddenly overcome with unbridled passion, tearing off their clothes and at it like rabbits, with little to no foreplay.
While this type of desire does exist in the real world, with around 75% of men saying this is how they experience sexual desire, not everyone is instantly ready for sex. And that is completely normal.
For those who experience spontaneous desire, they don’t need as much intimacy or affection in the lead up to sex. Instead, they value impulsive and passionate advances. Sex is unforced and unplanned. Offering sex or inviting them in for a shower together can be all they need to start a steamy rendezvous.
Contextual Desire
However, if you find that the circumstances and environment around you have a huge impact on your libido, you could be experiencing contextual desire.
For example, you might find it hard to get in the mood if you’ve had a tough day at work, or if you’re worried about finances or the kid’s grades at school. On the other hand, if you’re on a romantic getaway, or if your partner turns the lights down low, puts on some sexy music and scatters rose petals on the bed, you’ll probably be ready to get freaky.
If your partner experiences contextual desire, putting that extra effort into creating an environment that feels stable and secure can make all the difference. Try taking your partner out on a romantic night out or a spa-date for two. Also make a note to try and minimize aspects that will reduce their sexual desire: make sure a load of laundry is done, food and dishes are taken care of, etc. Basically, if there’s something that could end up taking them out of the moment, try and remove it.
Responsive Desire
If you feel like neither of these really apply to you, then you might experience responsive desire. This is more common in women than men, and can sometimes be interpreted as having a low sex drive, or even believing that you’re not even attracted to your partner. This is not the case. You simply have a different way of experiencing sexual desire and attraction.
Responsive desire essentially means that you experience sexual desire after intimacy has been initiated, as opposed to before sex has been offered like with spontaneous desire. Desire occurs as a response to sexual stimulation, meaning that you experience desire often several minutes into foreplay. Something sexy is happening? Great, give my body a minute or two to respond.
Normally, people with responsive desire require more affection and sensual touch in the lead up to sexual intercourse. This way, the mind and the body can relax into the feelings of arousal. For example, intentional lingering touches, cuddling on the sofa, or a sensual massage can all impact desire. If your partner experiences responsive desire, try taking the time to get them in the mood before sex might occur. Send some dirty texts throughout the day, maybe try whispering sexy things in their ear. This is all about teasing that sexual desire out of your partner before they even realize they’re getting horny.
Responsive and contextual desire often overlap. And those who experience responsive desire also find that the context of intimacy matters too. If your partner is falling asleep and you decide now is the time to get them going, pawing at them as they’re resting might not be the best idea. There’s a pressure there to feel horny because your partner is. And that is far from sexy. Be mindful of time and place when it comes to working with your responsive partner.
While understanding the different kinds of sexual desire is interesting and can unveil things about your sexuality that you may not have fully understood before, it’s also important to remember that this is about fun! Sex should be exciting and intriguing and passionate. Take the information in this article as some tips and tricks on how to enhance your sexual experience. But don’t feel like you have to base your whole intimate life around it. You don’t have to fit into any one category. The most important thing is to take time with your partner to see what works for both of you. Communication is key, so make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to sexual desire, and what you’re both looking for when it comes to intimacy.
If you have any more questions or queries, feel free to email our customer service team wecare@pleasuresntreasures.com or drop in to one of our stores! Our team is happy to help answer any questions you may have.
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